I have been dealing with a situation which has presented significant challenges to my ego. And there have been many times over the past months that I have become irritated and cranky about it. I've compiled a list of evidences, a veritable roll call of slights, which indicated that I am justified in my position on the matter. And then I've found subtle ways to defend myself and play into the drama, all the while, hating it. Uncool, so uncool.
This has made me pay even closer attention to the "voices in my head" (oh oh, how many of us live in here???) and I want to introduce you to two of them. Enter Wiseass (WA). Enter Inner Critic (IC).
In case you are wondering about the genders of my voices (seriously, how could you not be?), IC is androgynous, depending on the situation at hand and mainly, chatters an incantation of my flaws, faults, misdemeanours, possible dangers, doom and gloom. It cross dresses: sometimes wearing a Fairy Godmother gown-trying to convince me She has my best interests at heart; sometimes in tight black jeans and a muscle T, as a Hot Fireman on his night off-insisting he is trying to show me how to temper my flames. And it is very good at what it does: making me miserable, so I chose isolation and feel like IC is my only true friend. Sneaky, not very "nice" but still, the devil I know. I am learning, slowly, to undress IC and see it for what it is-a smokescreen, a play of my limited ego-mind, the personification of my hangups and my yet-unresolved issues. A work in progress.
And then there is WA. Yup, she is definitely a "She", and only ever a "She". I'm slightly sorry I've given Her a bit of a derogatory name, because actually, She is the cat's cream, the mouse's whiskers (the cat's mouse?), the camel's hump, the cow's udders...you get my meaning...a really, really good thing. But Her voice is unflinchingly honest, which is often a pain in the ass. Yes, I admit, sometimes I wish the wench would just BE QUIET. Hence Her name.
Unlike IC, She does not speak, and I mean NEVER, with the intention to bring me down without reason. She does not flatter, building me up for a fall. She simply says it, like it is, real, truthful, raw, no drama...and She is always perfectly on target, damnit.
Which is totally peachy when you've done a purely good thing, chose the high road, met the challenge. But then...oh maaan, when you have missed the mark, when you've had even a slightly ulterior motive, when you've been just a little "clever", when you've taken a cheap shot, when you've been insecure and judgmental...well then, these traits of Her communication are perceived as unpleasant at best, downright ugly at worst.
The thing is, She only has to say it once (like a good mother, or many of the Catholic nuns of my school days) and you HEAR Her. And no matter how well you argue, or rationalize, or make excuses, deep down, She has had the initial and the final say. She knows it. You know it.
WA accepts nothing less than my full integrity. She IS the gold standard of my soul. No matter how wonderful something may "look" on the outside, how others may perceive it, She knows my deepest heart and can read my every action, honing in immediately on the truth of each.
She is my conscience (isn't it absolutely a teaching that this word is reminiscent of "conscious"?). That place in me of absolute purity, which can never be tainted (even though its Light can possibly be shadowed by a lifetime of refusing to listen). Its where I KNOW what is right, no matter what society's morays (or popularity) dictate.
So, as I deal with my current challenge, I resolve to allow myself to feel the uncomfortable feelings engendered by WA's voice of Truth. Part of this situation is MY fault. It is partly due to the way I vibe. I have done some things, and not done some things, that have participated in its creation. There are places where I need to go, internally, and get my shit together. And after I've taken accountability, if things are still the same, then WA says my new challenge will be to simply accept that it is what it is. Some things and and some people cannot be changed. By me, that is. There is always a chance that Life, The Divine, can make even mountains move.
And hey: if there's ever a time when we feel like we simply can't hear WA's voice (frankly, most likely because we have our virtual fingers in our virtual ears and our minds are deliberately bellowing 'la la la la la' really loudly), give a little whistle (see video below).
I am a field of awareness. Any thing beyond that is identification with form...