Today, I entered into a battle with myself. Externally, it was cloaked in a discovery I inadvertently made which precipitated feelings of resentment and anger to arise in me. Something somebody 'did' that felt like a betrayal and I saw them as completely inauthentic. As I leaned into those feelings, which took more effort than I would like to admit, they began to reveal their lessons. (Damnit, damnit, damnit- another effing growth opportunity). Here's what I have derived thus far.
The work, the real work, which is only ever the inner work, is tirelessly going on. It is best if it happens with our awareness, consent and willing participation, because its going to happen anyway. We will be infinitely more miserable, as we get ‘schooled’, if we don‘t agree to play. This shit is never, I repeat, never about anybody else but the '(whoa!)man in the mirror'. It may do a fantastic job of masquerading as a crappy situation 'out there', but the fact is, nothing out there can come 'in here'- namely, the space inside your head and heart, unless it plucks your inner strings.
It gets worse! As we navigate the deep inner journey, there are no companions who can face our demons for us. And actually- very, very few who will even stick around as we face them ourselves (hold on to those few gems until your last breath- they are most rare!). We have to get comfortable with this existential alone-ness and stop wasting our energy knocking door to door, desperately trying to find that which is hidden in our own inner sanctum and will be (re-)discovered no place else.
We must by Grace, summon the courage to go into the desert on our own. The only place we can find, Know and understand Truth, Loyalty, Goodness, Friendship, Fulfillment, Compassion and Love is in our own soul. As we search for them in anyone or anything else, there will be inevitable disappointment.
The paradox is that once we have dug deep enough to find them in the wilderness within, they are more likely to appear in external Form, in ways that can be enjoyed without expectation, or fear of loss. That is the best definition of freedom and joy there is, I believe.
Speaking of loss, something came to me this morning as I was processing all of this. It was a teaching on INTEGRITY, which I sometimes feel is almost a cuss word in today's world, in which cleverness often seems to be held far superior.
The gist of it was- if you know, in your heart of hearts, that you have acted with integrity and this makes you lose someone- you should realize that you have not lost them, in fact- they have lost you.
And there's that ball right back in our personal court again. Our only job is to work with, and on ourselves, so we are best equipped to take action from a place of integrity. And then, we pray for courage to allow the chips to fall where they will. Bread is made from wheat, the chaff must fall away first.
With all my love, coming to you straight from the trenches.....
I am a field of awareness. Any thing beyond that is identification with form...